Chuck’s Dino Tinglers
Everyone wants to write the next big thing, but while it’s easy to get out the lube and just dive right in, coming up with creative stories can be tough. We can’t all be Chuck Tingle or Christie Sims, so the rest of us mortals have to try a little harder when it comes to writing the next great american porn novel.
Here are some suggestions and insights that might help:
- Dinosaurs, Vampires, and Republicans are all cold blooded: don’t forget to describe the way their cold skin feels against your warm tasty flesh.
- Amazon doesn’t allow underage characters, so make sure to clarify that every shapeshifting capybara in your books has at least graduated high school.
- Billionaires rarely had to work very hard to get where they are. So why would they work hard to get the girl? Remember, money is more important than charm. Or consent.
- Animal penises (imaginary and real) are all shaped differently. Try making a pinterest board before you start writing. Call it something like Noah’s Ark of Dicks.
- Chicks love romance, so make sure that when the werewolf biker gang finally captures your heroine they whisper sweet things in her ear during the group sex scene.
- Always write from experience. That lonely ancient water spirit isn’t going to fuck itself. And neither is its brother.
- Research is important to make a story feel real. If your book is about a lesbian soccer star falling in love with a teammate during the FIFA women’s world cup, try googling “two girls one cup” first.