When I’m holding her hands and whispering in her ear while she’s getting fucked by another man, who holds the power?
When she crawls into bed and asks Daddy to do bad things to her, who is in charge?
And when she’s over my knee laughing as I spank her as hard as I can, which one of us is the top?
We toss words around like Dom, Bottom, Sub, and Top all the time, but for many of us, the relationship we have with power isn’t so easily defined. And there are even scenes–and relationships–where power moves back and forth between two or more people with as much ease as breathing.
We’ve come up with phrases like “topping from the bottom,” to describe some of those complications, but our language is sadly lacking when it comes to nuance around sex and power.
Especially for those of us who don’t always desire that balance to be clear.
In fact, for many of us, our turn-ons lie in the tension that comes from imbalance. If I tell her I’m going to tie her up and let my best friend fuck her, I’m in charge. But fifteen minutes later when she’s telling me how willing she is, how hard she’ll beg him, and how badly she wants to be fucked, it’s a different situation. I’m balanced between holding her tightly and feeling her slip away, and walking that line is often what gets us both off.
In fact, for many of us, our turn-ons lie in the tension that comes from imbalance.
If you’re doing age-play, the dynamic can switch back and forth just as easily. As opposed to real life, when we’re playing a game it’s completely possible for a younger person to act as the seducer, convincing the adult to resist their better judgment and go against their moral compass. And it’s a game which can switch instantly once someone gives in to temptation.
And even in impact play, the power dynamic is based almost solely on verbal communication. If someone keeps laughing, keeps teasing you for not hitting hard enough, and resists the urge to cry, control is more fluid than people would have you believe.
Power is variable, open for negotiation, and doesn’t always look the way we expect it to.
And that’s just one of the things that can make playing with it so fucking hot. There are plenty of people who get off on highly defined dynamics which leave little room for switching. But if you’re someone who loves the tension of walking that line between top and bottom, dominant or submissive, or any other binary, then you’re in good company.
You can top someone who is fucking you up the ass and you can be submissive to the person you’re choking.
In fact, if you’re creative enough, there are few scenarios you can’t turn around and play with from another direction.
And who knows? You might find you like it.