Dear Bob,
That’s right, I know your name is Bob. How do I know? I Googlified you, and discovered that the person who reads these things is named Robert, and Rob is a silly nickname.
But Bob, that’s not the important part. I mean, yes, I’m pretty much a wizz at the Googling, but there’s so much more to me than that. Once when I was seven I got a fish hook stuck in my nose, and I was able to remove it without later requiring major surgery. Which is just what I want to do for you, Bob. There’s a hook in the nose of your organization, and I have the skills, the nerve, and the grit to take it out.
I think once you look through my resume you’ll discover I have all the mad skills you want, and probably some that you don’t. None of that matters. What matters is that I can do it. I will do it. And you want me to do it.
Trust me, Bob.
Yours,
J.L. Scholkington
ps. I also know that you live at 145 Maple Drive in Torrington CT. Say hi to Sally and Kimmie for me. I hope her recital goes well this weekend. 😉
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Dear Sir, Madam, Mx, or Other,
Did you see what I did there? I am not the most politically correct person in the world (screw that) but I’m no dummy. As a white-cis-heteroflexible-polyamorous-libertarian, I understand that meaning is located in all of us and it’s our job as Americans to create our own selves no matter how weird they may be.
But let’s get down to business. I. Will. Do. Better. Than. Anyone. Else. You. Are. Interviewing.
It’s a big claim, but as a white-cis-heteroflexible-polyamorous-libertarian I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about myself. In fact it’s safe to say that no one knows me better than I do. Not even my therapist or life coach know me this well. So, trust me on this one, and remember that there’s nothing as important as a self-aware person in the workforce.
Sure I might make mistakes, but I know it. I may be a little racist, but I’m okay with that. I’m okay with the fact that I don’t take orders well from women, but that awareness is what makes me so good at my job. If you can handle the real me, the raw me, than we can do amazing things.
Why don’t you give me a call and we’ll started. Together, I can do it.
Yours,
Triumph L. Johnson-Smith
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To Whom it May Concern,
For the last fifteen years I have worked tirelessly to bring about change through the revitalization of systems, people, and environments. From my multi-faceted–and fully integrated–approach to project deployment, to my holistically-based-values-driven problem solving, my skills are in high demand throughout the industry.
I’ve worked with big and small organizations across a multi-tiered layer of industry bases to insure expert levels of service located solutions, often times with highly quantifiable success rates. If you’re looking for an expert doer, who recognizes the difference between just talking about something, and moving it through the process steps necessary to launch actionable institutional events, you’ve found them.
After looking through your organization’s collateral, both online and off, I am convinced that you won’t find a better thought leader than me. Especially one who has such a long track record of bringing about revolutions in digital media spaces while keeping his eye firmly on the traditional media which still continues to drive our environmental and eschatological frameworks.
I look forward to hearing from you soon,
With generous and kind regards,
R. P. Smunchkin