I’m thinking back to cars and making out in the dark with that hint of fear always stuck in my throat.
There was a view where we parked even though her dad was on patrol, and I went down on her even though it meant scrunching my body up like a slinky on the floor of the passenger seat. She tasted like olives, and I was so scared I stayed hard for days.
By the river, we could sit without being bothered, but the car fogged up so quickly it didn’t matter. Her hand in my pants was the furthest we ever went, but my god did we kiss and wasn’t that often enough?
Once, on a long ride north, she wore a transparent shirt with no bra and as the truckers slowed down to watch she lifted it for them again and again as I struggled to stick to the road. After an hour of teasing, she pulled me from my jeans and took me into her mouth, her ass in the air as she fingered herself on the dark highway. The cars honked, the air-horns sounded, and I came in her mouth for the first time in a year.
But of course, the one moment I can’t push away no matter hard I try came months after it ended. The cars all along the cliff’s edge were all busy doing the same thing, and the second we stopped we were on each other, tearing at clothes without taking anything off. I lay her back, her jeans around her ankles as I found my way between her thighs, my cock entering her like we were made for one another. And even later, with faces peering in the window, we never stopped.
It was over, we were done, and yet for that moment, nothing else mattered. Hell, maybe for the first time in all the time we were together, nothing mattered at all, and we screamed out into the night as tourists surrounded us, watching the young couple fuck through steamed up windows until our bodies convulsed in one final release of too many things.
And now I’m thinking of cars, and her, and of love that was too afraid not to get in its own way. I’m remembering vinyl seats, a few broken promises, and years and years of forgiveness. I’m remembering the cracked window and her voice in my ear telling me not to stop even though she doesn’t love me.