I’ve been on Tumblr since 2009, and my feed pretty much looks like this: porn, cats, food, friends, porn, porn, friend, cat, cocktails, pro sex workers advocacy articles, lbgt radical rants, porn, cats, friends, blacklivesmatter, and then more porn.

But for now, I want to talk about the porn. I’m not currently a huge consumer, although that’s gone up and down, but I do get my fair share on tumblr, mostly gifs, pics, and a few videos, none of which I’ve curated all that well.

As I scroll, rather quickly, through my vast well (I follow a shit load of people) of dirty things, I have nearly universal reactions to certain images, tags, and captions. Call them my Pet Peeves of Porn if you will, because while somewhat politically critiquey, they are most often just me being a weirdo. I’ll start with a description and then my response.

So, here we go, Guy’s Pet Peeves of Porn:

1. Photo: Black man fucking a white woman captioned something like, “oh, her husband is gonna be so mad when he can’t feel that pussy again.”
   My Response: That is her husband you racist piece of shit, now calm down, they’re having a nice time.
2. Photo: Any time there is a guy in just a shirt and no pants.
   My Response: He’s Porky Pigging it! He’s Donald Ducking it! He’s shirt-cocking it and I don’t know why! Who does that? What’s going on? What has happened to the world I knew and loved. (Same goes for a naked guy in socks, but without the first bit.)
3. Photo: A young twenty something woman just standing there naked, captioned, “Check out this hot MILF/Cougar.”
   My Response: Unless this is from Teen Moms, you have a weird idea of age and moms and probably other biological things. And are you 12?
4. Photo: Everybody’s favorite new trend, a crappy screen grab of some random porno with a huge caption over it in a horrible font reading something like “Daddy fuck me so good my pussy break bust this nut oh yeah big baby.”
   My Response: …
5. Photo: “Lesbians” with long fingernails, doing pretty much anything.
   My Response: I don’t even have a pussy and that looks like it’s going to be uncomfortable. And not in a good way.
6. Photo: Incredibly famous porn star in a well lit, well shot scene captioned, “Look at this little amateur slut.”
   My Response: Do you know how much fucking work went into that? Also, how do you not recognize that girl?
7. Photo: Incredibly famous actress photoshopped into an incredibly awkward nude shot.
   My Response: No, no, no please not Emma Watson, is nothing sacred?????

I’m sure there are more, but those top my list right now. And to be clear, I’m not trying to kink shame anyone. You do what you gotta do to get off. That’s my motto. Seriously, that is my motto though.

Feel free to share yours in the comments (mottos or peeves).