Finishing a pint of Guinness at Dempsey’s last night
A few Fridays ago I was out with a group of friends at a bar, laughing, drinking, talking, and presumably having a good time, when I suddenly realized I wasn’t really there. I was surrounded by people I love, but I was so exhausted, so burned out, and so overwhelmed, that what I needed most was to be by myself.
In the weeks since then I’ve decided to actively build alone time into my schedule in a way that is actually fun. It’s not a new idea, but aside from the time I need to clean my apartment, shop for groceries, and drop off my laundry, I need to treat myself like a partner. I need to take myself out, do exactly what I want to do, and find good ways to be on my own that don’t feel like a chore.
I’ve had a few self-dates since then, and while none of them have been incredibly exciting or innovative, they have already made a huge difference. Last night I went home after work, did a little writing, picked up my laundry, and then took myself out. With my laptop in tow, I walked the few blocks over to Dempsey’s on Second Ave and plopped myself down in the back room where the musicians were just setting up for a session. I ordered a beer, something to eat, and opened up the laptop to do some writing.
Sitting alone in a bar is a strange thing. As a man it’s fairly easy to do without getting bothered, and having a laptop makes it even easier, but it’s still not a familiar feeling. The waitresses were friendly, the band was good, and as they dimmed the lights I sat and wrote a new story just the way I wanted it. I drank a few beers, listened to the music and posted a few photos to Instagram.
It was nothing to write home about as far as dates go, but it was exactly what I wanted to do. I moved from being excited to feeling lonely half way through, but all of those emotions passed during the evening. And being by myself I was able to let them come and go, noticing them as much as anything else. By the time I got home I was tired, but I put on some Netflix as I crawled beneath the air conditioned covers.
I have a long list of things to do with myself: kayaking on the Hudson, long walks through Soho, writing in the park, movie marathons, and of course more music. I’m sure new things will come to me as time goes by, but I suspect that more important than the activity is the intention and the follow through. Treating myself as Donna and Tom might say, is fucking important. Giving myself enough time alone when I’m not doing chores is important.
If I start to see myself as a partner, worthy of everything I offer my friends and lovers, I suspect some good changes might occur.
Who knows, I might even learn to like myself a whole lot more.