If Fifty Shades knew what it was about, it would be a different story.
We are all happy to watch movies and read books that include abusive relationships, disturbing power dynamics, and characters who fall on the psychotic end of the spectrum. But we appreciate a nod if not a wink as well. While we don’t need to be hit in the face with a sunday afternoon special morality tale, we like to know that the author intended to write something problematic.
But what I find interesting is that this lack of context and awareness is fairly common in the BDSM community in general as well. Which is one of the reasons it irks us to see it on the big screen. Almost by definition BDSM likes to fuck with consent. Whether it’s restraint, punishment, or any other form of control, the fantasy is often about letting go. Giving up our ability to make choices. But the context is always key. The reality that any given scene is being played by consenting adults who each take responsibility for their shared power is easy to hide, but always important to remember.
But when we begin to share the games we play with the public, whether it’s a book, a Twitter feed, or even a Tumblr, it’s easy to get caught up in the personal and forget the context altogether. The reblog of a naked girl in a collar with text that simply reads “this little slut needs to get fucked” is as irritating to me as three hundred pages of abuse from an author who wants us to believe it’s all just so romantic. While the poster may have perfectly wonderful communication around consent in their life, the lack of any context at all feels problematic. Does she want to get fucked? Does she want to get fucked by you? What did she agree to when she took that photo?
And if I have to read more post about how “real submissives” do x, y, or z, I’m going to burst a few blood vessels. Or break something. If I can’t get a sense that you understand you’re playing consensually with an actual person, then I’m going to assume you’re just an abusive asshole. If the only context you offer is that you’re “a real Dom who knows how to take control” without any hint of agency on the part of your partners, chances are you’re not and you don’t.
Transferring our private lives and fantasies into a public forum is a challenge, but it’s not anywhere close to impossible. It’s easy on Tumblr or Twitter to argue that “everyone knows it’s just a game”. It’s the internet afterall. Who can take it all that seriously? But the same can be said about a work of fiction. Of course it’s a fantasy. Of course we’re not supposed to imitate the relationships in 50 Shades. But our lack of context, and our lack of self-awareness, have real meaning, because the only thing distinguishing consensual BDSM and kink from abuse is context. The only thing that makes it okay is that it’s something two (or more) people want. And if we don’t know that to be true, if the author doesn’t let us in on the secret, we can only assume the worst.
So, while we can bitch and moan (rightfully so) that Fifty Shades may be giving BDSM a bad name, we shouldn’t let ourselves off the hook either. Because we do the same damn thing all the time. And I suspect we do it for the same reason: because it excites us. Because fantasies of submissions, fantasies of control, and fantasies of getting lost in another person are so damn powerful, it’s easy to separate them from reality. It’s easy to ignore the context. It’s easy to forget that all of us are teaching something by what we share, how we write, and even the way that we play.
We don’t need to sterilize, and we don’t need to tame anything at all. But if we refuse to let everyone in on the context (ie consent has been given) then how can we expect anyone else to? If within our own communities we decide that the fantasy is better without an explanation, then how can we expect mainstream culture to follow? After all, they can simply turn to us with a smile.
I learned it from watching you.