Photo by Guy New York

First time
When you’re settling in for the first time, or maybe it’s just the first time in a long while, it’s important to give yourself space to truly indulge. So why not lay back on the couch with a nice glass of rose´ and let your fingers do the talking?

After all, you’re not a child anymore.

Visiting your parents for the holidays only to discover they voted for Trump
The holidays are tough for many of us even under the best of circumstances. But when politics come up, space is tight, and your old bedroom has walls that are paper thin, there’s just one traditional choice.

During dessert, surreptitiously fill your coffee mug with a generous helping of your dad’s twenty-five-year-old Macallan. Drop it off in your room before ending the meal with a few choice words concerning Putin, Exxon Mobil, and Wikileaks. Smile as you climb under the covers and remind yourself that you did your best.

With the mug in one hand and the other hand deep beneath the warm blankets, taste the warm malty goodness and revel in your wit and satisfaction. You deserve it.

When you’re riding in the back of an uber with an old friend
When you’re in the back of a cab with that old friend you only see a few times a year, the party doesn’t start until nearly midnight, and you want to catch up the best way you know how, it’s traditional to share a can of Sofia Coppola’s Sofia Blanc de Blancs Sparkling Wine, preferably with two straws. Lay back and look out the window as you remember your times together in college.

Try not to slurp at the end, but don’t worry if you do. Afterall, your night is just beginning.

When you’re driving and Uber and your customers are having fun in the back seat with a can of bubbly
When you realize the two passengers you just picked up are enjoying themselves in the back of the car there’s little you can do. Afterall, you don’t want to be a creeper, but neither do you want to be left out.

Sneak a hand under your seat and pull out that bottle of Lillet Blanc you’ve been saving for just this occasion. They’re too busy to notice as you bring it to your lips for a long slow drink before you subtly join in the fun.

But remember, more than two or three sips is just bad manners. Afterall, you are the one driving.

Port Authority Bathroom on a Friday night before hitting the clubs
You’ve left Jersey behind, but that doesn’t mean you don’t still have that Jersey spirit. And what’s a better way to start off your night in the city than a nice wank in the second floor south tower’s men’s room?

If you can find a stall with a door, settle in for some alone time in the near privacy of your very own piece of New York real estate. Open that flask of manhattans you mixed at home with the Old Overholt and Antica vermouth. You thankfully didn’t forget the orange bitters this time, and the cold seat is hardly a concern. Feel the warmth in your throat and stomach as you settle in for a leisurely release.

After all, there’s no place like home.

Under a blanket on an airplane when there’s an empty seat next to you and a view of the Grand Canyon out the window
Maybe it’s the passing flight attendant, the purr of the four engines, or possibly the beauty of the gaping chasm beneath you that turn you on, but you have the privacy and the time to truly enjoy yourself. Order up a classic gin martini (with a twist if they have one) and cover yourself with a blanket.

It won’t be perfect, but what does it matter? You’re used to traveling, and you have hours before you land. Take a few sips before you begin, but remember, it’s traditional to save most for the aftermath.

Because is there anything better than looking down at that red rock splendor after a quiet yet intense orgasms as you sip your gin martini? We certainly don’t think so.

You were just dumped but it’s for the best and besides this hotel has a whirlpool bathtub
We’ve all been there, haven’t we? They left and while a part of you knew it was coming, maybe even welcomed it, you find that the anger outweighs your typical magnanimity.

But the tub is large and the water is hot and it’s time to get to know yourself again. When was the last time you indulged in your own pleasure? When was the last time you let it all be about you?

So climb in with a bottle of the 1982 Chateau Lafite Rothschild Bordeaux without a glass in sight. This isn’t a time for manners or restraint. This is your time, so lay back and enjoy it as the jets begin to bubble and the warm water helps you slip easily into the right frame of mind.

Sure, the bottle costs over $2,000. But after all, you still have their American Express card, don’t you?


With thanks to my friend Danny for reminding me of many of these traditions.